What does the word desire mean to you?
It turns out desire is complicated. It is not only highly debated but is also highly misunderstood. So if you asked yourself the question: what does the word desire mean to you? You might not have an answer.
What do we know?
1. Desire is a spectrum with a normal variation from absent to frequent (1).
Desire can vary from day to day, between partners, at different stages of life, and between circumstances. It fluctuates.
We need to dispel the myth that lack of desire is in fault of dysfunction of the vagina holder. We need to accept that desire changes.
2. Desire includes factors beyond biology and psychology. It is influenced by the individual environments, the relationship, cultural norms, societal expectations, bodily experience (2,3,4).
Your experience in life will influence your definition of desire.
3. Desire is the experience of wanting to engage in sexual activity that is deeply individualistic (5).
Take time to define your personal desire.
I spent the majority of my sexual life interpreting my personal desire as the need to be wanted and desired by others; as the desire of other to desire me. I had no understanding of what I wanted. If someone wanted me, I should have a desire to want them; a lust for being wanted. This lack of definition created a challenge for me entering a relationship with my long-term partner. The want for me was always felt and it became unnoticed almost like the background noise outside your home. I began to feel challenged by both the criticism of the frequency of my desires and the societal expectation of the desire I should have for my partner. A contradiction that challenged me to near absent desire on the spectrum. I work to evolve, define, and understand my own desire. It changes and that is okay and normal.
I challenge you to define desire for you and understand your normal fluctuations. Process, talk to your partner, your therapist, your friends how your sexual experience has influenced your current desire. Think about what societal norms impact you. Understand you and your needs. Take your time and define desire for you.
Thanks for reading,
Ariel
All content copyright Ariel Zablocki
Sources:
1. Thomas, E. J., & Gurevich, M. (2021). Difference or dysfunction?: Deconstructing desire in the DSM-5 diagnosis of female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Feminism & Psychology, 31(1), 81–98. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353521989536
2. Cherkasskaya, E., & Rosario, M. (2019). The relational and bodily experiences theory of sexual desire in women. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(6), 1659–1681. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1212-9
3. Van Anders, S. M., Herbenick, D., Brotto, L. A., Harris, E. A., & Chadwick, S. B. (2021). The heteronormativity theory of low sexual desire in women partnered with men. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021- 02100-x
4. Krasnow, S. S., & Maglio, A.-S. (2019). Female sexual desire: What helps, what hinders, and what women want. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 36(4), 1–29. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2019.1626011
5. Reid, S. (2022). Talk to me About Desire: A Qualitative Investigation of Women’s Experiences (dissertation)
