Orgasm is a highly individual experience from person to person and from orgasm to orgasm.
They vary in intensity, sensation, and how one gets there. Sometimes an individual may want
an intense orgasm or maybe one more subtle. Maybe you are reading this and are thinking
something along the lines of “I’m not sure I’ve had an orgasm.”
Or maybe you fake your orgasms with your sexual partners.
The term orgasm has a complicated and rather mysterious history and standing in the modern world.
There is an expectation that orgasm is the resolution to sex. I hold partial blame for Masters and Johnson’s research of the sexual response cycle in 1966 (1). At this time, it was revolutionary work that we could say sparked the accepted cycle we have today, so I give them credit for that. But their theory went sometimes like this: You got aroused, you eventually had an orgasm, and then you go back to your life (1).
As some of our first experiences with sex may be pornography, we learn from a young age about the screaming, head throwing back orgasms of porn stars and then the video ends like there was some sort of achievement accomplished.
So what happens when your orgasm doesn’t quite feel that way or frankly its just not happening for you in that moment?
One might choose to fake an orgasm to simply just put an end to a sexual experience of an ambitious to satisfy partner, there may be protection of feelings, boredom or loss of desire, just can’t orgasm and don’t feel like explaining it, feeling like you’re taking too long, or just not feeling like having an orgasm. And it's, of course, not just limited to that. I’m sure you could think of reasons why you might have at one point.
Desire, pleasure, and orgasm could be clouded within societal norms, objectification, opinions of ourselves as a sexual being, the sexual relationship we are in, the phase of life we are in (2).
The studied rates of faking orgasms vary greatly though it is reported that up to 74% of women and up to 71% of men are doing it (4,5). That’s a lot. It is most common for people to fake an orgasm who have difficulty achieving one or just experience it less often (5).
Might it be that faking our orgasms is giving us less real orgasms?
The argument to stop faking your orgasm
Okay, I know it might happen and some of faking an orgasm may be for be the fun or act of it. But I want to make an argument to stop faking your orgasm.
Better Sexual Communication
If we are always faking an orgasm our partner will think they are doing exactly what we need to have an orgasm. If it’s working, why change anything? If you are faking an orgasm due to the sexual experience and you want to have an orgasm, you will need to communicate a change.
It could be hard to talk about sex desires with both a one time partner or a long term partner. Especially if there may be concerns of upsetting a partner, or feelings of being too needy, or just not really knowing what to say come into the scenario. With that said, sexual satisfaction increases with better sexual communication (6). If you want better sex, have a conversation with your partner on how to have better sex.
Learning to communicate sexual needs takes time and practice. Especially if it is something you really have not done.
You could do this during sex, before sex, or after sex. Be gentle and non-judgmental in these conversations. It is a chance for you to share what you need and it is not a critique of the performance from your partner.
It may be helpful for you to think about some of the things that you would like prior to this conversation. Make a list and think about it. Maybe its more indirect touch, a longer warm-up, or faster penetration. Masturbate and pay attention to what feels good for you and try to put it into words. If you can’t put it into words, show or guide your partner during your next sexual experience.
There is no one right way to have this conversation. If you need further guidance, working with a sex therapist may be the right step for you.
Have a relationship where your pleasure matters and it is okay NOT to orgasm
All sexual people understand that sometimes an orgasm will not happen and this is okay. This does not have to be a failure of performance.
People who felt that their sexual partner was happy with them whether they had an orgasm or not felt more sexual satisfaction and felt like they had better communication with their sexual partner (6). Imagine how you would feel if the focus was pleasure and not the necessity of orgasm.
Your orgasm and pleasure is to fulfill you and you alone. It may bring your partner pleasure, and that is great. We also want them to have pleasure too. But it is okay for your orgasm to be a radical act of selfishness at the time.
More real orgasms
You have spent time communicating, knowing what you want, what you need, and have put yourself first for your pleasure. Because of this you are now having the sexual experience that doesn’t require you to fake your orgasm rather have a real one.
Give it a try. Stop faking your orgasms.
All content copyright Ariel Zablocki
Sources:
1. Masters, W., & Johnson, V. (1966). Human Sexual Response. Little, Brown and Company
2. Cherkasskaya, E., & Rosario, M. (2019). The relational and bodily experiences theory of sexual desire in women. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(6), 1659–1681. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1212-9 van Anders, S. M., Herbenick, D., Brotto, L. A., Harris, E. A., & Chadwick, S. B. (2021).
3. Hevesi K, Horvath Z, Sal D, et al. Faking Orgasm: Relationship to Orgasmic Problems and Relationship Type in Heterosexual Women. Sex Med 2021;9:100419.
4. Harris EA, Hornsey MJ, Larsen HF, Barlow FK. Beliefs About Gender Predict Faking Orgasm in Heterosexual Women. Arch Sex Behav. 2019 Nov;48(8):2419-2433. doi: 10.1007/s10508-019-01510-2. Epub 2019 Jul 15. PMID: 31309430. 5. Pavan, S., Øverup, C. S., & Hald, G. M. (2024). Why Did You Stop? Reasons for Stopping Faking Orgasms and Its Association with Sexual, Relationship, and Life Satisfaction in Denmark, Finland, France, Norway, Sweden, and the UK. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2401019
6. Mallory AB, Stanton AM, Handy AB. Couples' Sexual Communication and Dimensions of Sexual Function: A Meta-Analysis. J Sex Res. 2019 Sep;56(7):882-898. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2019.1568375. Epub 2019 Feb 19. PMID: 30777780; PMCID: PMC6699928.
